I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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