it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
