you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
