OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
