all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
this just has baby written all over it
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
