what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
