clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
