I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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