shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
