i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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