Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
