ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
