I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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