I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
