I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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