when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
