He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
