Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
