So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
