Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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