Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
