What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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