I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
