If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
