Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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