Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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