I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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