I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Come on in and take your pants off
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