He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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