my phone needs a breathalizer
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
