we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
