he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
