WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
