I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
If I die, sorry about rent.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize