she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
