i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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