the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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