So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
he was CRYING into my vagina
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
