you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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