I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize