The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
