Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You did what with his pubic hair?
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