...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
