When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I don't deserve a penis
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize