I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You are the jesus of drinking
Randomize
