Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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