I'm laying in your front yard are you home
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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