Me. At least after what I've been through.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
