I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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