I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
