Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
