we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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