I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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