So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
