You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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