Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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