i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
