I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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